Before making the decision to go to grad school I remember having a few conversations with friends about 'waiting for peace' before making huge life-altering decisions vs. the methodology of weighing pros/cons. I had stood by 'waiting for peace' for my entire life and felt that's what the Divine would want me to do - wait for His peace. Now after stepping through two life-altering doors that didn't have 'Peace' written on their threshold I have to wonder - how does 'waiting for the peace of God' fit into making decisions?
I struggled in grad school when shit hit the fan and I couldn't rest on the reassurance that God had given me peace about this decision. It was unnerving. I hated it. I kept wondering if I'd 'gone against His will', if perhaps He had a different plan and I moved forward because there literally were no other options. Well, that's not true, there were other options - but I strongly did not have peace about them - even a Personal Assistant position for $75000!
Similarly, in deciding to accept my current position as the Traveling Student Advisor for the International Honors Program I fought like a two-year old temper tantrum against it. I'd applied for numerous positions at universities in the states - something stable, something long-term, something that would set my career on a path. Instead the only open door was IHP - 6 months of traveling, 6 months of a job and then back to square one, 6 months...the end. I wanted to settle down, find a community, a man, stability. Now as I near the end IHP has turned out to be the most incredible season - full of adventure and constant opportunities for growth and learning.
What should I make of this?
In hindsight, though neither decision 'felt' peaceful and I cried my way traveling across the country to SIT and cried after accepting the position with IHP, I think those tears were quite selfish. I wanted to stay in LA, I wanted stability, I wanted some fragment of a 'normal' life. I didn't want to go into $50,000 of debt, move to VT, take a position that only lasted 6 months, and travel out of a suitcase again. I wanted what I wanted so badly that perhaps I didn't allow myself to 'feel' peace or accept the out of the ordinary.
As mentioned in my last post - my life has been anything but ordinary and it's been a struggle to not feel embarassed for not having a stable job, home, husband, kids, life. I've lept into the unknown so many times that I feel entitled to stability.
Now that I'm back to looking for a job and wondering where/how my life will unfold I'm not sure how to proceed. Wait for peace? Weigh the pros/cons? Just see what unfolds and know it'll all work out in the end no matter what door I choose? At this point I have no option but to wait...
you've hit on a sore spot for me, so i'll hazard a comment. the sore spot is the plague that seems to be affecting my friends and family that grew up in the church. we've been infected by language - religious language that has been built into our minds by a lot of well-meaning people. regardless of their intention, the language used to inform our day to day judgement calls is broken. it hurts us. it causes us to leap when we should stay put, and to pause when we should leap.
ReplyDeleteof course, i'm referring to your need to think about 'peace' when you are supposed to be doing your best to balance a rational decision with your internal desires and instincts.
there is not one way to live your life. there is the way that it will be. when you are dead and gone, there will only be left what you actually did.
i'm personally proud to know everyone in my life who did not take the default route through americana - the college days followed by married days with a quick two-child family and the mortgage and the job, then the dismal feeling that all that did not bring peace, fulfillment, etc. even though they 'did the right things'.
The right thing is to live your life pursuing what you think is the best truth you can make of your life. If you know what you believe in (which it sounds like you do) then pursue that belief. God wants you to pursue truth. Just don't lie to yourself and you'll find your peace.
Pursuing peace is putting the cart before the horse. It will trick you into believing something about yourself that isn't true in the first place. Pursue truth first and peace will follow. Don't listen to the cliche echos of religious cook books for your soul. They don't work.
Hopefully this doesn't offend you. You asked an honest question. I'm giving you my most honest answer.
paul gee
ok - first of all, how did i not know about your blog!!!??? i love it.
ReplyDeletesecond - i remember a few of these conversations . . . and it's so complex. life & god are so compled, that is. and you've so graciously stepped into the mystery of god. may you find peace & incredible joy along the way.
Props to Paul...I like what you said. To expand on the idea "there is no one way to live your life." I used to imagine that as God saw my life, every fork in the road had one "right" choice and numerous "wrong" choices. I think I would have taken it as far as to say that all the "wrong" choices were sinful. Yikes! That's a lot of pressure. I'm not sure where exactly I fall right now, except to say that I think each fork has a myriad of good choices and it is the process of choosing that reveals our own hearts and allows us to consider God's. I hope and pray that He speaks into those moments and helps me get that much closer to important truths...about me, Him, people, and life.
ReplyDelete