Entitled to be Thankful

I went with my roommate from Jeffreys Bay to her 'Ladies Bible Study' where they're reading through a book called 'Lies women believe' - the chapter they were on spoke about 'Rights' - aka many women feel they have the right to have their husbands help with the chores, the right to a day off, the right to be listened to by their children. Well I didn't really resonante with the word 'Right' but the word that did come to mind was 'Entitled'.

Since I was in high school my 'elders' have always told me that some day God would give me a wonderful husband - that if I'm patient, wait on His timing, and don't settle for anything less than His best that He will give me the 'desire of my heart'. The interesting thing is that for the millions of times people have used the 'desire of my heart' as a consultant agent for single and lonely hearts, it's actually not scripturally accurate.

You see the verse is actually quite tricky - it says 'delight yourself in Him and He will give you the desires of your heart' - can you see it? Do you see the circular catch-22? If we delight in Him...meaning the promise is not that He will give us the desires of our heart...the promise is that He will give us Him! If we delight in Him than He WILL be our heart's desire.

So clearly I understood that never has God actually promised that I'd have a husband or a family. He has always promised Himself and that He would be enough if I sought my identity and fulfillment in Him.

With the scare of uterin cancer this last summer I was forced to accept that bearing children wouldn't be possible - and I actually came to peace with this. Though it has since been confirmed that the cancer is merely precancerous cells outside of my uteris, I've been left with a lot to think about. I used to write letters to my unborn children (yeah I know, it's a bit creepy!) What I once thought was always a choice and something I would definitely have, something I was entitled to have, something I was even supposed to have, I now have no idea about.

How is it that I once believed I was entitled to children, entitled to a husband, entitled to some likeness of an easy-going life? None of it is true...none of us are actually 'entitled' to have these things...at least according to scripture.

I told my mom the other day that my life has been one of coloring outside of the lines - nothing conventional - I've never had a full time job for more than a year, I didn't date til I was 26, I've moved from east to west coast countless times, I was completely debt free at 28 and then $50,000 in the hole by 30 when I decided to attend a no-name graduate school, I've traveled all over the world and still at nearly 31 am still traveling, and I'm still single. I've spent a lot of time thinking 'other' people will judge my life - will wonder why I move around so much, will judge why I'm single, etc, etc...but truth is I've come to love my life. It's been this incredible 'choose your own adventure' with tons of laughter, wonderful friends, lots of falling flat on my face, sticking my big foot in my mouth, falling off horses, and always having to get back on again and ride that damn thing into the sunset. It's been a wild ride and all I can do is be thankful.

Thankful for my family, friends, acquaintances that I've met for brief moments and their faces remain ever present in my fondest memories...thankful to travel, thankful for seasons of ups and downs, thankful that so many people have touched my life and others so deeply. I am thankful for my unconventional, coloring out of the lines life, and I'm thankful that everything God has promised me has always come true.